Was I Any Good...?

Enough talk of snow.  How's everyone doing?

I mean really. How are you? It's been a few days since we've had a sincere chat. Or I've chatted at you. I thought I'd tell you a few things about me.  

I love TV.  So much so, that I got a job to prevent me from watching too much TV. (One of the reasons) I tend to lack self-discipline at times.  So when I post about cleaning out my freezer, I want you to know that if I can do it, you can too!  Even if it's been 18 months since your new freezer arrived in your remodeled kitchen and it's the first time you've wiped it down and thrown away opened frozen vegetable bags and leftover frozen cut-out cookies from Christmas.  Yes, you can too.

I'm not going to judge you if you never have to clean your freezer because you always stay on top of it and rotate all the food and wipe down small messes as they come.  I'm not.  It just makes me feel better that maybe there are a few of you out there like me that need to clean their freezer.  No judgement from me on that one either!

So I'm counting my productivity as a win today.  Like I've said before, acknowledging your successes/wins is so important.  

But, I gotta be honest, I've been battling Mr. Judgement inside of ME for a few days now.  Do you ever struggle with that?  I think it was Nicole Kidman that leaned over during a movie premier and asked, "Was I any good in this film?"  (Of course, I can't find it anywhere on the INTERNET so who knows, maybe I'm remembering that wrong.) I feel her.  Mr. Judgement has been leaning over to me asking the same question.  Was I any good as a...(you fill in the blank, for me, its usually Mom) Sometimes, that is a nasty of growing older.  Thinking, remembering, over-analyzing coulda's, shoulda's, woulda's. I watched my mom battle with this for years. It was painful to watch. I don't believe in living in the past. I KNOW it isn't productive.  But there's Judgement, asking all his questions.

Sometimes just looking for the good isn't the solution.  Sometimes the sweet fringe benefit is hard work.  Thought work. Journaling. Meditating. Praying. Researching help. Applying different theories that you've been taught and read about. And that's where I know I need to go.  And stay until my head gets right again.  Don't get me wrong.  I see lots of light and feel joy in my life.  But sometimes the parts inside of me are out of balance. And there's work to be done.  I've mentioned before, that as I've aged, I've opened myself to more self-help and opportunities for growth.  It doesn't always outweigh the nasty of aging, but its all I've got today.  And I'm grateful for it.

One more confession.  Another reason I got a job was to keep my mind distracted from all the internal conversations.  "Was I any good as a..." was the most common conversation starter.  So, if you also have those internal part conversations, you're not alone.  I understand. I have learned that resolving those internal conversations is healthier than distractions.  You can't work enough, clean enough, run enough, shop enough, eat enough, to resolve those internal conversations. I'm learning....

Outfit of the Day:  Cropped Hoodie from my girlfriends online boutique Blush and Cover, Ann Taylor red pants, Dolce Vita Zina Sneakers.  Oh.  And I love my new sneakers.  I posted them in my stories.  I have no where to go, but I'm wearing my new kicks.

And this is not a post searching for compliments or affirmations.  Maybe just a "I Understand" or "I Get ya" or sharing some of your internal parts conversations.  Honestly, it doesn't matter what the answer is whether you or I were any good as a ... Fill in the Blank.  Its just something I'm working on, and thought someone else might be too.  Stay warm!

Nanette