I just need to try this...

I don't usually post on Sunday evening...but I'm searching for an sfb today.  Hopefully I'll find one.

I'm sick to my stomach with nerves, anticipation, doubts and uncertainty.  I start my job tomorrow.  I haven't worked in 15 months, and that was only a 7 month contract job.  Before that?  My last job was 17 years ago.

It seems strange to throw around time periods like "17 years" of being a stay at home mom, "27 years" of marriage and yikes, "50 years old".  I swore I was not going to be a panic about turning 50.  I figured if I kicked the door wide open (click here to read that post) and talked (blogged) about it, I would hit 50 with a smile.  And then I start to think about it.  Too much.

This whole "getting a job" thing has rocked my world; my world and a few people around me's worlds. The responses have been pretty interesting.

     "You're getting a job?  What about your grandbaby...when are you going to have time to see him?"

     "You're getting a job?  When are you going to ride your bike?"

     "You're getting a job?  What about Madeleine?  You only have a little time left with her."

     "You're getting a job?  What about giving the sister missionaries rides?"

     "You're getting a job?  Why do you want a job?"

I know.  I'm almost 50 years old.  It shouldn't matter what other people think.  But their doubts have given rise to some of my doubts.  And then there are a few other people's comments.

     "Good for you.  Why not."

     "What do you have to lose.  Why not try it."

     "This is what you've always wanted.  It sounds perfect."

     "I'm so excited to hear about your new job.  Good luck."

I need to remember that the most important comments have been from my husband and my daughter. And they are both extremely supportive.  I never begrudged my children or my husband that I was a stay-at-home Mom.  Quite the opposite.  I was very grateful that I had a husband that could support our family by himself.  But I always looked forward to the time I could return to work.

I'm going to state the obvious.  Time passes quickly.  And the older you get, the faster it goes.  (Young friends, that is totally true!!!!)  So, I can continue pining away for a second chance at a job and career, or I can actually do it.  I'm not sure where this job is going to go.  I don't know if this will be a career, or just somewhere to spend 24 hours a week.  But I won't know unless I try it.  This is my chance to do what I've talked about doing for 17 years.  I'm not being irresponsible.  My husband works from home. My daughter is 15 years old and I'll be home by 2:30 most days.  I can ride a bike on my day off mid-week, early mornings and on Saturdays.  Don't other Grandma's work and still see their grandbabies?   And the sweet sister missionaries that I love serving?  I can give them a ride in the evening and on the weekend, and I can cook them dinner.

I am going to be 50 years old.  And that's my Sweet Fringe Benefit today.  I need to do this, take this job, try it out, give it my best effort.  Does it sound selfish?  Maybe a little.  But I think at 50 I have more time to be selfish than I did at 35 and had 3 children and a husband that travelled 70% of the time. I have three years left with my daughter before she leaves home...but guess what...she already leaves home from 5:45 am-6 pm most days between school and cheer commitments.  I need this job. Because I'm getting laid off from my other job.  50 gives me permission to be a little self-centered.  

Don't feel guilty. Don't be offended. Don't judge.  Don't hate.  This post is about me.  Not about what anyone else should be doing.  I just think that if the nasties of turning 50 create doubts and loneliness, then I need to see the Sweet Fringe Benefit.  You find yours.  It doesn't need to be a job.  Maybe you love to read.  Maybe you love to craft, search your family history and volunteer work.  Or even going back to school.  If you're ok doing that hour after hour and have enough self-discipline to keep yourself busy enough to have self-respect, then keep on doing what you're doing.   I just need to try this.

Outfit of the Day:  I had to post three pictures because I loved the details of what I wore to church today.  Talbot's khacki blazer, The Limited lace top, Ann Taylor soft coral seersucker pencil skirt, Ann Taylor tortoise shell necklace, Vince Camuto snake skin and leather sandals.  I love the tortoise shell jewelry I'm seeing out there.  I picked up this necklace and skirt last week when they had a 50% off sale.  The skirt is no longer available online, but it is probably still in the stores.

4th of July Outfit of the Day:  JCrew gray cardigan, Loft linen t-shirt, Loft navy/white checked seersucker pants, Emaack Designs multi-strand necklace.  Love this necklace my sister made...coral, lapis, grey pearl and green amazonite are a beautiful combination of stones.

I'm feeling better.  I hope something I said helped you as well. Young or old, 20 something or 50 something, we all face new seasons and challenges.  This is something I need to do...

Now what am I going to wear tomorrow?

Nanette