Music of the Night

This is me last Saturday.  Doing one of my happiness actions.  Doing something I LOVE.  With people I LOVE. That usually guarantees the reversal of any downward spiral mood or thoughts.  Happiness actions...you know, actions that create...happiness! Do I look happy?

I wasn't.  As a matter of fact, I fought back tears all day.  All my thoughts were dark.  Dark, meaning, I felt no love. No compassion. No clarity. I did have hope though. Hope that Sunday would come, both on the calendar, and in a religious, metaphorical Easter-referenced way. But I still needed to get through Saturday.

"Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination,

Silently the senses abandon their defenses"

Music of the Night, Phantom of the Opera

You see, Wednesday night and Friday night, I had about 3 hours of sleep each.  And by Saturday morning, my head was a wreck. I am not a scientist, but I have read enough and worked a couple of thought models to know that your brain heals when it sleeps. So all the normal self-correcting thought processes were gone. The thoughts were swirling so hard and fast that I really thought I was losing my mind at 6 am Saturday morning.  Here's what I did:

1. I went on my bike ride anyway. I have kind, supportive friends. One said, "do you want to talk about it?" to which I promptly shook my head no, with a lump in my throat and teary eyes. And I kept pedaling.

2. I knew I was sleep deprived.  And so I kept my mouth SHUT. And limited my interaction most of the day with both my husband and my daughter. Bless them. NOTHING productive would have come from ANYTHING I would have said.

3. I prepped for Easter.  And in doing so, Saturday evening, I felt a little lighter. I posted my progress on my insta-stories and sweet friends provided encouragement. It lifted me.

4. I went to bed at 8:45 pm.  I shut off my phone 45 minutes before.  I did 10 minutes of yoga stretches and deep breathing. And I took a Tylenol PM and melatonin.  #nojudgement  The need for sleep was real.

I share this, because maybe some of you have had those days. Those nights. Whatever the reason: hormones, life's worries, people coming home in the middle of the night, or a combination of all three! I am working on prioritizing my sleep. Its harder now that our nest isn't empty. But for me, the biggest help to get through the aftermath was understanding I wasn't crazy, but that my brain wasn't connected properly. The complete sfb came on Sunday, when my friend sent me the words to Phantom of the Opera, "Music of the Night".  It's totally how I felt.  But, then I hear my Mom's voice, and she was right too:

"Nothing good happens after midnight." by Mom

Nanette